Crunchy Confessions

I brought a homemade sourdough loaf to the PTA bake sale. I thought I was just being practical — I had a surplus, the starter was going strong, why not. Three moms immediately cornered me by the dessert table and asked for the recipe. Two of them wanted to know if they could have some of my starter. By the end of the night, one mom had texted me asking "what do I name him?" His name is Gerald. Her starter is now Gerald Jr. I have lost control of the situation and I am so proud.

He thought it was a smoothie. He has apologized to Brad. Brad is recovering.

She wrote it down as a religion. Honestly? Accurate.

It arrived on a Tuesday. A large silver cylinder, heavier than I expected, with a card from my husband that said "you've been talking about this for eight months, I figured." I cried. Actual tears. He filmed it. He called it "the most on-brand thing that has ever happened." The video is saved somewhere. I choose not to know where.

The supplements are for future me. The McFlurry was for present me. Future me understands. The supplements are in a very nice cabinet with labels on them. The McFlurry is gone. I regret nothing. I contain multitudes.

For one week the family thought the internet was "resting." My husband finally found the router in the chest freezer next to the beef tallow. He has questions. I have boundaries.

She kept saying "it's just hot air!" Doris, so is a hair dryer, and I don't cook chicken with that either.

The HOA sent a letter. I framed it. My cortisol has never been lower.

Three weeks ago I switched to a DIY deodorant: lavender, coconut oil, beeswax. It works great. My husband has zero complaints. My cat, however, has become my shadow. He sits outside the bathroom. He follows me from room to room. He presses his face against my armpit the moment I sit down. My husband says the cat has "joined the cult." I think the cat simply has excellent taste.

He's four. We had a casual conversation about vitamin D. I did not expect him to take notes. His preschool teacher sent home a note that read: "Please remind him that we wear sunscreen at school." I did not remind him. He's not wrong. I am not sorry.